The Science of Psyche – Will I ever be good enough?

“You’re only as good as I say you are, and you’ll be loved only if you’re fully compliant with my wishes”

Once upon a time, like how every story begins, there was a hunter who was known for his beauty. One day as he was walking along the woods, a maiden saw him only to fall deeply in love with his beauty and started following him. As this strikingly beautiful hunter senses that he is being followed he calls out “Who’s there?”. The maiden reveals herself and attempts to embrace him. The hunter, too proud of his beauty steps away. The Goddess of Revenge learned this story and decided to punish the hunter (Oh come on, we need a Villian to every story right?). She lures him to a pool where he sees his own reflection. Not realizing it was his own image, he fell immensely in love with it. Eventually, he realized that his love could not be reciprocated, he melted away from the fire of passion burning inside him eventually turning into a gold and white flower. And from then on, anyone who is excessively in love with self or shows extreme admiration of themselves have been named after the Hunter – Narcissus. Yes, that’s where Narcissism came from.

Narcissism has become very commonly discussed topic especially after the introduction of social media and selfie culture. 

So what is it like, to grow with a Narcissistic parent?

These hunters (Narcissists) are happy and proud parents as they now have control over someone else and this gives them an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have power, one in which they can write the rules without any checks and balances. The child’s expectations are set right away early on that, he/she exists to provide a reflection for the parent and to serve the parent. The problem with being a child of a narcissist is that it takes these children so many years of frustration and anguish to figure out that the parent is not quite right; until that point, these children are merely dancing as fast as they can, trying to please the impossible-to-please narcissistic parent. It takes years to finally see that the type of parenting they’ve been receiving is wrong – if not emotionally abusive.

What distinguishes the narcissistic parent is a pervasive tendency to deny the child, even as an adult, a sense of independent self-hood.

Adithi, grew up listening to her dad brag about all his achievements to everyone he meets. All the while, she has seen him be proud of all her endeavors, in front of others, playing the perfect dad. In front of the world, their father daughter relationship is perfect, but behind the closed doors, everything changes. She would still be criticized and subdued for the same endeavors that her dad was just proud about. “Growing up with a narcissistic father, teaches you that you have no option but to be perfect but at the same time, you will never be able to meet your parents’ expectations”. Today, you might be the best in the universe for learning to drive a car, but tomorrow you might be worthless because you have lost your purse in the bus. Each time you are not the perfect daughter, you are worthless, making your self-esteem extremely low. There is always some need for air and breathe you are with this hunter. Often its very intimidating and choking. You are never praised for real, or rather, you wouldn’t know which praise is for real. You can often hear statements like, “Be my daughter first”, “I am the parent and I get all rights on you”, etc. And each time there is a misunderstanding between the two of you, you can sense the man hoovering (named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, in order to “suck” their victims back into a relationship with them, often subtle and unassuming) just so you get back to a relationship with them and the moment you start to respond, it goes back to square zero.

Ironically, you can never push him for therapy instead you will be seeking help for your self esteem, when you have realized you have been given such inconsistent parenting.

So, when Adithi came up for her therapy sessions, it was time she realized she was more special than anyone else. As therapists, we  started with bringing to her notice, a few common traits that are observed among children who had narcissistic parenting, to ascertain she’s not the only one. Their view of love is a lot different from ours, and we suppose this might help you if you are on the same boat as hers.

• You are hyper tuned to everything. From changes in tone, to micro shifts in facial expression, to gestures that contradict spoken words, everything is noted, checked and documented.
• You give in all that you have when you care about someone. Because that’s pretty much what your childhood has been and you don’t naturally know to set boundaries.
• Consistency in any relationship, scares you! You unconsciously find ways to sabotage that connection before it even has a chance to begin. So when you find the slightest of the slightest inconsistency from your partner, you feel defeated (Yes, you don’t blame the partner, you blame yourself) and your partner never gets a defeat.
• As much as you desire commitment, you fear it like plague. (Ummm, more like a cat on the wall)
• Trust way too easily but never trust enough.
• You are magnanimous with love. Through all the trust issues and complex commitments, you have a remarkable strength of resilience. When you grow accustomed to the safety of someone truly safe, you give it your all and your all is a whole lot of love that you never received for yourselves. When you have reached an optimal stage of healing, you love fiercely, with intention, with passion, and with special care because you deeply know what it’s like to be unloved – and you never want anyone else to go through what you did.

Now if that isn’t a beautiful feat to feel happy about yourself, what is?

So, if you still have the question “Will you ever be good enough?” Yes, You already are!